By Josh Vollmer
Do you see horror movies as a waste of time? Is it difficult for you to see the entertainment value of a good disemboweling or the odd decapitation? You are not alone. Whether you think torture-porn like Hostel or The Human Centipede take things too seriously, or you’re offended by the lack of horror movies set in space, there is a scary movie out there for you. Don’t let another frightless Halloween pass you by, and come with us to explore some horror movies for people who hate horror movies.
Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil – This Canadian comedy-horror takes your stereotypical, ‘hillbillies slaughter college kids camping in the woods’ motif and flips it on its ear. Tucker and Dale are two not-so-stereotypical rednecks on holiday. A holiday marred by a string of misunderstandings and miss-communication with a group of suburbanite kids that leads to a series of gruesome yet hilarious deaths of said kids at the hands of… themselves. Recommended if you hate horror movies because the victims are too stupid to run or fight back.
Event Horizon – The crew of the space ship Lewis & Clark are sent on a rescue mission to investigate an SOS from the Event Horizon, a ship that was lost seven years previously on its maiden voyage, while testing a new gravity drive. The gravity drive was designed to create a wormhole from one point in space to another. It would seem the drive worked, so the question is where did the ship go while in between those two points, and what did it bring back with it? Recommended if you hate horror movies because there aren’t enough phasers set to ‘kill’.
The Lost Boys- This classic re-imagines the typical vampire myth to accommodate coastal California suburbanites and motorcycle gangs. Two brothers move to Santa Carla with their recently divorced mom. Trying to make friends and impress a girl, Michael falls in with a gang of vampires who try to turn him into one of their own. Younger brother Sam is left to figure out how to get his brother back with the help of the infamous Frog brothers. It’s filled with enough cheesy one-liners and wooden stakes to keep everyone happy. Recommended if you love the 80s more than you hate horror movies.
Ghostbusters and Zombieland . Recommended if you hate horror movies for a distinct lack of Bill Murray.
Army of Darkness – Hail to the king of B-horror schlock! Bruce Campbell reprises his roll as Ash Williams in the trilogy-capping third movie of the Evil Dead franchise. This movie has everything. The undead (called Deadites here), medieval knights, ’73 Oldsmobiles, the Necronomicon, a big name director (Sam Raimi) and one genuine boomstick. Recommended if you hate horror movies that aren’t campy cult classics.
The Frighteners – Another movie with a big name director (Peter Jackson), this one stars Michael J. Fox as architect Frank who starts seeing dead people after a car accident seemingly claims the life of his wife. Using his skills to exorcise homes for a fee, Frank is slowly pulled into a paranormal investigation of his own when he starts seeing numbers appear on people’s foreheads-people who end up dying under suspicious circumstances. Recommended if you hate horror movies because they have no sense of mystery.
Shaun of the Dead – This British movie is solely responsible for launching the Hollywood careers of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Shaun (played by Pegg) is your average guy in your average slacker comedy. Much of the movie is focused on him trying to get his life in order, as well as his relationships with his girlfriend, flatmates, mother and stepfather. All set to the backdrop of the zombie apocalypse. Recommended if you hate horror movies because there aren’t enough English accents and jokes about video games.
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